« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

November 15, 2005

U of P, Fight Fight Fight!

Dear Katie [the letter reads],

Every career reaches a turning point. At that juncture, the right actions could propel you through a career full of challenges and accomplishments. Likewise, indecisiveness could leave your career growth stagnant for years.

Look [I say]. I'm in my third year of grad school. I've got like 5 more to go. I've got challenges! I have to read this huge stack of books before tomorrow. I have to figure out what I'm submitting to the conference-that-shall-not-be-named. I need focus! I don't need a turning point now! And besides, don't you mean "conversely," not "likewise?"

See? See? Stagnant for 5 years, you just said it. And then you've got a what in what? What was that again?


I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

PhD. Literature. Well, sort of literature. Sort of history too. Well, not really history. Historiography. And, um, metahistorical fiction, or was it metafictional history? Er, and comparative postnational studies or something. Or postcomparative national studies. Er.

Consider the turning point of your career. Do you have a plan?

Try to read? Figure out how to teach forty thoroughly alienated students about postmodernism tomorrow? Drink?

I meant a long-term plan.



Write totally revolutionary and unique Faulkner dissertation? Get job?

More education or an advanced degree is often the deciding factor when opportunity knocks.

Christ, I need more education?

By responding now, we'll give you a no-obligation Personalized Education Plan that details how quickly you could earn your degree.

"By responding now, we'll give you..."? What kind of grammar is that? Don't you mean, If you resp-- Did you say quickly?

You probably already know that University of Phoenix is the leading university for working professionals. And for good reason. By offering flexible schedules and classes with real-world relevance --

Hey! Real-world relevance? Have you looked at what I'm reading? What are you insinuating about Spectral Nationality: Passages of Freedom from Kant to Postcolonial Literatures of Liberation? Huh? Or Aesthetics of Superfluity? ...Oh.

-- with real-world relevance, University of Phoenix has helped people just like you earn a degree without putting a career on hold.

Well, this sort of is my career. I mean, not in a getting-paid way, but in a spending-all-my-time-on-it way. So I could get a degree in accounting while I write my dissertation? That would be kind of funny, see, because I used to work in accounting while I was trying to get into grad sch--

Katie, is this your turning point? Respond now for your complimentary Personalized Education Plan.

Personalized Education Plan? Gosh. Really? You'd figure it out for me? I mean, I'm still trying to figure out what classes to take next quarter - Narrative and Historiography, for sure, but what about Nationalisms and Culture? Interrogating Race? Visuality and the Text? Visions of Progress? World Historical Patterns 1500-1750? Aristotle's Physics?

What the fuck do those have to do with literature, Katie? You did say you were studying literature, didn't you?

I...I don't know.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Posted by katie at 09:36 PM